Between Two Worlds

I feel as if I am living between two worlds. The world of Youth, and the world of Age. The world of Rock and the world of Symphony. The world of Health and the world of Wheelchair. The world of Safety and the world of Fear. The world of Abundance and the world of Lack. The world of the Teacher and the world of the Student. The world of the Elder and the world of the Innocent. I have done So much, led such a full and rich life, yet there is SO much yet to do, so many places yet to go, so much to teach, so much to learn. I never seem to know from one minute to another which world I will be in. I worry about bills, and money comes from unexpected places and the bills get paid. Dr's tell me I need all kinds of operations and medical assistances and yet I can walk and drive and shower standing up. I remember the things I used to be able to do and fear the loss of the things I retain. I am unsure of what to make for dinner and I open the freezer and find the answer. Why can I not find the answer to my other problems that easily? I look to the past and see who I was, and I look to the future and see who I want to be, and hope I can make it to be that person. I think of all the places I have been and want to take my family to, and I know I will not see those places again, and it sorrows me. Then I think of the things I retain, the things that so many people with MS cannot do, that I can still do, and I am glad I can do them, sad they can't. And I wonder for how much longer will I be able to do them? I have so many things working against me, the scholiosis, the arthritis, the MS, I should not be able to do anything but lie in bed and moan. And there have been times in my life that, there I was. But I have always gotten up, eventually, and walked. Nickname me Laz. I feel there is SO much still to do before I leave. I don't feel like I'm ready to dissolve into the pain, into the Light, not yet. I look out and I see my sweet son, 8 years old, and I wonder what the Hell I think I'm doing? How can I possibly take on the task of raising him the way he needs? Yet, day by day, I do it. Is God helping? Goddess? a Pantheon of unseen deities? I know I am not doing it alone, could not. It's too much. But I still do it, and the unseen hands still keep me from falling. And on the occasions that I DO fall, they help me to me feet. Again. Do I believe in God? Of course. Allow me to try to describe how *I* see God.
Imagine a Light. The light is made of millions of teeny little lights all clumped together. Every light is equal. Together they make the Light that I see as God. But there are millions of other lights all revolving, swirling, around the one Big Light. That is Us, the Incarnate ones. When we die, we go back into the Big Light, and when we are born, or re-born, we become separate but never disconnected from the Big Light. You see? We make up God, we Are God, but God is the creator of Us. God creates us, we create God. We are a part, not apart, of the Divinity, the Spark, that is God. Does this make sense? It does to me, I hope it does to you.

hand

Well that Serrapeptase works wonders! My hand was hurting SO badly I couldn't sleep, and a couple of days of taking some extra Serrapeptase made it all better! Rob said he thinks it is good ol' Arthur-Itis. It felt like I has sprained it but I know I hadn't. At least it's better now, nothing harder for me then not being ablt to type...talk with my fingers..to all y'all!!!
My MS is maintaining, so far so good. I think it is the combination of all the supplements and the LDN and a positive attitude that is keeping me on my feet. Funny thing is, when I was 14 the Dr's told me I would be permanently wheelchair-bound by 30, and to never even think about having children. Because of my scholiosis. Well guess what? I've beaten the odds by over 20 years and I DID have a child, and I didn't die (ok except for the brief flatline during the C-sec) and it did Not put me in a wheelchair. And I'm still walking, bum knee and MS and all the other obstacles they've tossed my way. Sometimes I use my staff, yes, but I AM still walking. And will continue to do so until I absolutely cannot. Funny what being stubborn will do, eh? Rob sez I'm not stubborn, I'm tenacious. Yeah.

Happy (?) Armed Forces Day

Well I am almost back to me'self, with the exception of my left hand being very painful, it feels like I sprained it. I awoke with it that way so it isn't anything I did. In response, for today, I upped my Neurontin (from 300 to 600), upped the Querticin /Bromelain and upped the Serrapeptase. I think it's working. The heat/cold thing is pretty much gone.
I have been having really strange dreams. With lots of water and crude oil and Hasidic Rabbi's. Rabbi's not rabbits. And I think I'll stop typing 'cuz it hurts.

Today

I'm doing better today. I had some wild dreams, about Hasidic Rabbi's and crude oil and swimming underwater and almost drowning. I looked them up and they actually bode well. I've also found a great article on Serrapeptase .
They also seem like really nice people and I'll probably get my serrapeptase, and possibly other things, from then in the future.
Damn, Rob has changed the TV to something about war. I simply cannot STAND shows about war, so I'm going to go upstairs and watch MY shows in bed.
Later all

today

Today has not been a good day, in fact it has probably been the worst day I've had in some time. I have had before this strange condition where heat and cold are transversed and I don't know if I am hot or cold, and my skin is uber-sensitive. Example, Robbin came up to me and touched my arm and I almost jumped out of my skin. Poor thing he must have thought I was recoiling from him and I wasn't. I was shaky, wobbly and emotional. Clothing hurts. The air hurts. I spent most of the day upstairs in bed. Rob brought me soup sometime during the day. He also made dinner. Did a pretty good job of it, too. Right now my right side feels burnt, from the ear down the arm. I think I will take some neurontin before bed. I've had this before but not for a long time. So at least I do know that it *can* go away, and I hope it does. I think I am cold right now. It is time to tuck Robbin into bed so I think I'll go up and do that and then go to bed (again) myself, watch American Inventor, which ends tonight.

Feliz Cinco de Mayo

Well the ol' chrystler new yorker is no more. We traded it in yesterday for better gas mileage. We did fairly well, we paid $600 for it and drove it for a year and got $200 on the trade. It had several things drastically *wrong* with it, the drive axel, pooped, the front brakes...pooped, the head gasket...pooped...so we now have a '91 mazda...not pooped. Cute l'il thang gets about 1,000 to the gallon, vs the maybe 18 we *were* getting. And Rob can use it for his carpet cleaning biz, it is a hatchback and will fit the equipment as well as any other vehicle. I think it is the first white car I've had. And my insurance went down. I like that. I will miss the big car ride the other car had but I won't miss the not being able to pass a gas station part. (you know...it'll pass anything but a gas station).
I am stressed about it to a degree, some bills will be late, and I hate that. Can't do anything about it right now, and we Had to get a car, the new yorker would not pass inspection. I know that stressing over it won't help, and it won't solve the problem. So I await the Will of G-d. I know we will be Ok, but it is hard to maintain that thought when I look at the bills and the balances. I know Rob will get some carpet work or some readings done or some one will make a donation and it will all pass. At least now we DO have reliable transportation! I think it is 4 wheel drive, too, so that's even better.
Anyway, enough bellyaching. It is a sunny, warm day out, the chickens are doing wonderfully, the garden is coming along, and I am going to make a huge pot of French Onion soup for dinner. Yum. So it isn't *all* bad :-) I just tend to be a worrywart, not a good thing for someone with MS. The LDN is still doing well, I am drinking copious quantities of Kombucha tea, and we're going to be getting some Kefir grains (donated) in the mail soon. I look forward to trying it. I hope I like it as much as the Kombucha, which I Love! SO healthwise I'm Ok. Rob and Robbin are both in radiant health, for which I am eternally grateful!!
I think I'm going to go play Age of Mythology for a bit.

Salt Lamps

They made us our very own website! How cool is that?
http://www.solay-twinflames.com
And they upped my comission!!! How cool is THAT???
Other news:
I am doing fine on the LDN, so far so good. I do still have occasional numbness (not numbskullness) but it goes away. I sleep well but have vivid dreams! Not bad ones but busy ones and intense ones. The chickens are growing SO fast...the bad news is Jimmy went out to Thunder (his dog) yesterday and failed to notice that one of the Polish followed. Thunder, however, did not fail to see the bird. You can guess what happened next. I hate that dog. Let me say I KNOW he was only doing what dogs do. It still does not bring my chicken back. I tried to tell him...Chickens are Friends, Not Food. And Jimmy is an idiot. An idiot who is going in for a hernia operation later this month and actually thinks he will be back at work the next day. I got news for you, pal, there will be PAIN. He will Not be going anywhere the next day, he'll be lucky to make it to the bathroom.
Well it is lunch time and Robbin is asking for soup...later all!