Between Two Worlds

I feel as if I am living between two worlds. The world of Youth, and the world of Age. The world of Rock and the world of Symphony. The world of Health and the world of Wheelchair. The world of Safety and the world of Fear. The world of Abundance and the world of Lack. The world of the Teacher and the world of the Student. The world of the Elder and the world of the Innocent. I have done So much, led such a full and rich life, yet there is SO much yet to do, so many places yet to go, so much to teach, so much to learn. I never seem to know from one minute to another which world I will be in. I worry about bills, and money comes from unexpected places and the bills get paid. Dr's tell me I need all kinds of operations and medical assistances and yet I can walk and drive and shower standing up. I remember the things I used to be able to do and fear the loss of the things I retain. I am unsure of what to make for dinner and I open the freezer and find the answer. Why can I not find the answer to my other problems that easily? I look to the past and see who I was, and I look to the future and see who I want to be, and hope I can make it to be that person. I think of all the places I have been and want to take my family to, and I know I will not see those places again, and it sorrows me. Then I think of the things I retain, the things that so many people with MS cannot do, that I can still do, and I am glad I can do them, sad they can't. And I wonder for how much longer will I be able to do them? I have so many things working against me, the scholiosis, the arthritis, the MS, I should not be able to do anything but lie in bed and moan. And there have been times in my life that, there I was. But I have always gotten up, eventually, and walked. Nickname me Laz. I feel there is SO much still to do before I leave. I don't feel like I'm ready to dissolve into the pain, into the Light, not yet. I look out and I see my sweet son, 8 years old, and I wonder what the Hell I think I'm doing? How can I possibly take on the task of raising him the way he needs? Yet, day by day, I do it. Is God helping? Goddess? a Pantheon of unseen deities? I know I am not doing it alone, could not. It's too much. But I still do it, and the unseen hands still keep me from falling. And on the occasions that I DO fall, they help me to me feet. Again. Do I believe in God? Of course. Allow me to try to describe how *I* see God.
Imagine a Light. The light is made of millions of teeny little lights all clumped together. Every light is equal. Together they make the Light that I see as God. But there are millions of other lights all revolving, swirling, around the one Big Light. That is Us, the Incarnate ones. When we die, we go back into the Big Light, and when we are born, or re-born, we become separate but never disconnected from the Big Light. You see? We make up God, we Are God, but God is the creator of Us. God creates us, we create God. We are a part, not apart, of the Divinity, the Spark, that is God. Does this make sense? It does to me, I hope it does to you.