New

I, apparently, have a few new readers. I want to Welcome you to my world! This blog IS about MS and about LDN, but it is also one woman's voyage through life, love, pain, self-love, self- esteem, home, husband, cooking, farm, family, cats, chickens, opinions (and I got a lot of 'em!), humor...in essence, all the things that go into living ~ with MS ~ and without. Feel free to go back into the archives and browse. And feel free to post comments, or send me an email with your thoughts (akiba@twinflames.com).

LDN day 3

Well I think going to 3.0 was the ticket! I feel much better today! I think I was just starting at a bit too high of a dose, especially with all the other things I am taking right now, I'm on about 1/2 doz. suppliments just to fight the Candida alone!! I slept well and have been much more even today and more cheerful. Now I'm off to make dinner...baked Salmon and rice and a nice big salad...*yum*

LDN day 2

Last night was not good. I was an emotional wreck. I took everything "wrong" and Rob and I had a bit of a blowout. We got over it, of course, but I find that I have a Lot of anger ~ not at or from him, from things in the past I seem to still have hold of (or still have a hold of me). I know that working out that much anger is not going to be fast or easy but it has to be done. Meantime, the electric feeling was intensified, and this morning I was pretty shaky. That has passed and I am "ok" again, just had lunch and am going shopping a bit this afternoon...nothing spectacular unless you're a cat, I need to get them some food :-)
I think tonight I am going to lower the dose to 3.0 though, see how that does. I am also battling Candida die-out and I think the two things are battling and I am the battleground. So team 2 (the LDN) is going to beat a strategic retreat for the time being.

LDN Day One

Well I finally got my order of Revia and made my LDN yesterday, last night took the first dose of 4.5 mg. I am going to try to journal my progress daily on it so if I bore you, I apologize in advance.
When I took it I was not expecting anything. But I got something. It felt like I had injested a vibration, an energy. It was very strange. I only woke up once during the night (I have awakened twice nightly to go P for more years then I can remember). When I awoke I fely strange. Like there were teeny tiny bubbles all over inside me. Not bad or uncomfortable, but strange. Or maybe more like a low electrical current. My right leg, the one that is the "bad" one, especially felt strange. I got up and did my "thang" and went back to bed, had relatively no trouble sleeping, but then again since I've been taking Magnesium (400 mg just before bed) I have not had trouble sleeping. Today I feel ok, a wee bit "off" but nothing really out of the norm. I just took a lovely long hot shower and I'm having my coffee. Last night also was our first night to sleep upstairs. First time in Years that we have had a bedroom, we've been sleeping with our bedroom mostly in the living room, or in this case the dining room, becauce of stairs. Well now I'm braving them and did Ok! It was stange having a door to close! And Much quieter and darker then the downstairs. Nice.
Last night also was the chickens first night out in their coop!!! They did Ok, and today their happy and flapping their wings and running all over the place, seems freedom sits well with them!

Face

As part of my "new" regime to make myself over and return to someone I can love, I decided to start wearing make-up again. I haven't worn it in about 13 years, and until now Robbin had Never seen mommy with make-up. So, the other day I went out and got some inexpensive stuff, to start and see...well, when I got back into the car I put on some light eyeshadow, lipstick and mascara. Drove home, and when I got out of the car the guys both reacted so...well...how do I say it? Robbin said I looked happy and "Mommy's pain is gone!". Rob looked like he just fell in love again. It kinda floored me to tell the truth. So I am going to go out and get some more, better makeup, and maybe even get some of that mineral stuff...what do they call it, bare essence? Something like that...I've never been "into" make-up foundation but I think that might be nice, or some of that Lauren Hutton stuff maybe?
You know, my mother *always* "put her face on" every morning, till one day she stopped, and I think that's when she became mean. No, really...she changed at that point. I never really thought about it before. The last picture I took of her when she was wearing make-up she looked great, the last picture I ever took of her was about 5 years later and she looked like hell. I don't mean to speak ill of the dead...but she did. One of the things I was disliking about *my* face was my mouth was looking like hers and I hated her mouth. And not just the things that came out of it. When I put on that lipstick, my mouth became MY mouth again, my lips became MY lips again. She was gone! And she will stay gone. I don't want to become what she became. I want to be ME again and I think I'm on the way back to me. You might wonder why I never talk about her? Well I'm sorry, but you will have to keep wondering. I never want to bring that kind of negativity back, and talking about it invokes it. If I thought talking about it would release it, I would. But as I said, I don't like to speak ill of the dead. So I'll find other ways to release it! And if
re-making myself, a make-up make-over, helps...well then that's what I'll do!
I do have to chuckle at the looks on their faces though...so cute!
Meanwhile we're going to do another make-over. I'm asking Rob to move our bedroom upstairs to one of the *real* bedrooms. We've had our bed in the dining room. Well I think it is time to turn that back to the use it was created for, and ditto the bedrooms. My knee is still "bad" but I *can* get up and down the stairs again...finally...and all I'd really have to do is go up at night and come down in the morning. I want to do teachings and seminars here and with our bed right in the middle of things that's kind of hard to do. This house needs to be Honored. It needs to be made into a Spiritual Center, and not make the whole thing my personal space, but a space for sharing and teaching and Healing! I'm not sure what day is "moving day", I would like to do it before Saturday, or after...since Sat is April First, and if you'll remember that has been quite a date in my past...(for one thing, I found out I was pregnant, at 42, on April Fool's day...and for another, I got my confirmed diagnosis of MS on...you got it, April Fool's day...one good, one not so good...both life-changing) SO I'm not taking ANY chances on Saturday!!! Besides that, I think Rob has plans for Sat already...my plans are to stay in (or under) my bed!!!

knee2

Well it looks like my knee is toast. The right kneecap is bone-on-bone and will need replacing. For now, though, he gave it a cortisone injection (no, it really didn't hurt, the guy is very good with a needle) and when that wears off they will be doing a series of injections into the knee of (I think) a substance deigned to lubricate the knee joint. when THAT wears of, and that can take years, then I will be looking at surgery. For now the pain is somewhat better, it feelis like it is *trying* to hurt but not doing the job it did before. I Can walk but will still use the carts at the store, as I have the feeling that if I overstress it I'll pay the price, Actually, both knees are pretty bad, the left one will eventually proabaly need the same treatment as the right one is getting. It all boils down to Arthritis. My cartiledge is calcifying. There are bone spurs within the kneecap. I know I had a shop called the Crystal Lady, but that does Not mean I want to turn to stone!!!
Now, Rob and I had a long talk about some of this. His take is I am too hard on myself. I am too immutable and need to soften up, lighten up. After some deep thought I have to agree that he is right. I am way too judgemental on myself. I judge mself as being worthless because I cannot do the things I am used to doing or want to do. I believe it started after I had Robbin. When I look back to when I was happiest and in the best of health the last time that happened as when I was pregnant. Radiantly pregnant! But when they so damaged me with the cesearian that my milk could not come in, I went into a deep depression. Here I was, 43, *finally* a Mother and I could not feed my child, my baby. If it were in the past he might have died because I cound not provide the necessary nutrition. It did not, NOT, help that there were posters all over about boosting your baby's immune system through breastmilk. That made me feel So much worse. So the depression spiraled and so did the self-judgement. It took five years to get over the worst of the depression, and then only when I started on medication. Never mind that I, at 43, had been able to give birth to this perfect little boy, I could not do what Mothers do and as a result for the first five years of his wee life Robbin thought Mothers cried all the time, or at least his did. So now I must...MUST...get back to the time before I let all this happen. I must first and foremost forgive myself for it. Then I must relax a little and STOP judging myself. I have to learn to accept help. That ain't easy! Rob says that if I can do that then he can do His part with Healing me and it might just be that I can avoid surgery and return to a happy, active life. It's worth a try! *I* am worth a try! I WANT to be able to play with Robbin and eventually maybe grandkids? I WANT to go to the park, the zoo, and not rolling in a jazzy, either! I WILL do these things and Not end up screaming in pain. I'm done with that (I hope!).
Now...the farm...we have 20 baby chicks that a local vet hatched out for me from big brown eggs! I could not resist and got two polish as well..the rest are all heavy layer mixed. And we're going to get 10 guineas and a silkie hen, in a few months when the guineas hatch out. We're going to sell the eggs, yes, and probably give some away as well (knowing me). Gotta start saving those egg cartons!

Kombucha

I have decided to start drinking Kombucha tea again, so I've obtained a Kombucha "baby" to make some. I just got it today so it will still be a week or so until I have some tea to drink. I will have "baby" kombuchas soon, I'm going to have at least two going for home use but will have some available soon...might have to eBay the extras (of course friends who want one can have one) or feed them to the chickens...did I say chickens? I did. I have a vet on Md who just hatched a bunch of chicks and as soon as we can we're going to go on over there and get about 18 of them!! We'll have fresh BIG brown eggs YUM. Any roo's will probably end up in the stewpot, but she did say that she'll exchange some if we end up with too many. We have everything ready for them, a grow-light, a big safe wooden box, everything they need to grow and feather out, then they'll be allowed out in the back yard, with nesting boxes ready for them and their yummy yolks!