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Location: Crescent City, Fl, United States

I am 60, have MS, am an avid cook, love making candles (soy) and watching the endless parade of Nature outside my home. I treat the MS with supplements and LDN, I do not use any of the C.R.A.B. MS meds, we don't get along well. I was married for 13 years, we were together for 15. We are now divorced. Sad, that. I do still love him, but ONLY as the father of my baby. Better to keep it civil, hurts the child(ren) less that way, but is oh-so-hard to do sometimes.

Saturday, March 25, 2006


Well it looks like my knee is toast. The right kneecap is bone-on-bone and will need replacing. For now, though, he gave it a cortisone injection (no, it really didn't hurt, the guy is very good with a needle) and when that wears off they will be doing a series of injections into the knee of (I think) a substance deigned to lubricate the knee joint. when THAT wears of, and that can take years, then I will be looking at surgery. For now the pain is somewhat better, it feelis like it is *trying* to hurt but not doing the job it did before. I Can walk but will still use the carts at the store, as I have the feeling that if I overstress it I'll pay the price, Actually, both knees are pretty bad, the left one will eventually proabaly need the same treatment as the right one is getting. It all boils down to Arthritis. My cartiledge is calcifying. There are bone spurs within the kneecap. I know I had a shop called the Crystal Lady, but that does Not mean I want to turn to stone!!!
Now, Rob and I had a long talk about some of this. His take is I am too hard on myself. I am too immutable and need to soften up, lighten up. After some deep thought I have to agree that he is right. I am way too judgemental on myself. I judge mself as being worthless because I cannot do the things I am used to doing or want to do. I believe it started after I had Robbin. When I look back to when I was happiest and in the best of health the last time that happened as when I was pregnant. Radiantly pregnant! But when they so damaged me with the cesearian that my milk could not come in, I went into a deep depression. Here I was, 43, *finally* a Mother and I could not feed my child, my baby. If it were in the past he might have died because I cound not provide the necessary nutrition. It did not, NOT, help that there were posters all over about boosting your baby's immune system through breastmilk. That made me feel So much worse. So the depression spiraled and so did the self-judgement. It took five years to get over the worst of the depression, and then only when I started on medication. Never mind that I, at 43, had been able to give birth to this perfect little boy, I could not do what Mothers do and as a result for the first five years of his wee life Robbin thought Mothers cried all the time, or at least his did. So now I must...MUST...get back to the time before I let all this happen. I must first and foremost forgive myself for it. Then I must relax a little and STOP judging myself. I have to learn to accept help. That ain't easy! Rob says that if I can do that then he can do His part with Healing me and it might just be that I can avoid surgery and return to a happy, active life. It's worth a try! *I* am worth a try! I WANT to be able to play with Robbin and eventually maybe grandkids? I WANT to go to the park, the zoo, and not rolling in a jazzy, either! I WILL do these things and Not end up screaming in pain. I'm done with that (I hope!).
Now...the farm...we have 20 baby chicks that a local vet hatched out for me from big brown eggs! I could not resist and got two polish as well..the rest are all heavy layer mixed. And we're going to get 10 guineas and a silkie hen, in a few months when the guineas hatch out. We're going to sell the eggs, yes, and probably give some away as well (knowing me). Gotta start saving those egg cartons!


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