Beaches

When I look back at all the things I used to be able to do, that now I can no longer do, I feel a bit like a beach. A nice, clean, sandy beach somewhere tropical, with blue skies and coconuts. And there's the Sea. That's the MS. Every clear, sparkling wave takes a few of my grains, erodes me, little by little, grain by grain. People don't SEE the MS, they just see pretty waves, frolic in them, not realizing I am being taken, bit by bit, fragment by fragment, grain by grain. Some days are stormy. Those days the beach is empty and I am alone. There might be a few storm watchers (family, friends), but I still feel alone and empty those days. Those days also are the ones that erode me the fastest. Then there are the MS exacerbations...Tropical Storms that erode me even faster. Stress can be a Tsunami to my beach. I feel helpless against the onslaught of those waves, all I can do is watch myself being taken, feel myself being lessened, look back at the richness my life used to be. I used to dance on those waves, now sometimes I hate them, hate what they're doing to me. I mourn myself, miss myself, and desperately want myself back. But I know it is not to be, I will never dance again.